Why Do We Fight So Much?

A while back, I got a pair of trainers to work out but I didn’t wear them for some time. Recently I started working out again and I wore the trainers. They were a perfect fit when I got them but I noticed now that when I wear them for a length of time, my feet hurt.

I’m sure many of us know the feeling of wearing new shoes that need to be broken in. I have had the experience with some of my other shoes but it took constant wearing of those shoes to break them in to the point that my feet no longer hurt when I put them on. Obviously that’s the case with the trainers but trust me, the breaking in period isn’t fun at all.

Just like marriage, you choose your spouse and everything seems right with the world……. until you begin to experience friction and butt heads. At that point, you wonder if you married the right person or if you need to back out and get some other person.

Many people get stuck in this “storming” stage of the unit formation.

You see with any group of persons that come together to form a unit or group, they are different stages of formation and marriage works the same way.

According to Bruce Tuckman, there are 5 stages but I’ll stick with 4 to drive home my point.

The beginning and rosy stage is the forming stage where you are in the process of getting to know each other. That’s usually the sweet stage when you both seem near perfect.

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The stage where each person’s personality is revealed and you experience clashes is the “storming” stage (which is what I and my trainers are experiencing right now). The management of the stage is crucial to whether your marriage will be made or if it will break.

Unfortunately, many couples are unaware of this and see this as the beginning of the end of their marriages rather than a normal part of the process.

I always say that marriage is similar to rubbing two rough sandpapers together. Friction must occur if each sandpaper is to get a smooth surface.

If you manage the storming stage with graceful communication, tolerance, understanding, trust and love, you get to progress to the “norming” and “performing” stages where things are a lot less ridden with explosions of negative emotions.

Now in my case, I’m free to go out and pick a new pair of trainers in a slightly bigger size but you, no, YOU are in a marriage where you took vows, you don’t have that luxury.

So what do you do? You identify the root cause of your frequent storming and work on fixing it lest you get stuck in the vicious cycle of fighting and reconciling over and again, which in the long run will eat away at the beauty that your marriage should have.

Whoever said marriage was easy was probably married to himself or herself! Marriage takes commitment, dedication and a resilient spirit.

It’s a new day today. Roll up your sleeves and get to work. Determine to put your marriage on good solid ground.

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P.S This does not apply to extreme cases where domestic violence and harmful behaviours are involved. Life should ALWAYS be valued.

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The author olawunmiesan

Olawunmi Esan is Nigeria’s leading Sex Therapist and Coach. She is a trained Psychologist and certified Sex Therapist, who helps Couples and Individuals enjoy Mind-Blowing Sex.