How Do I Tell My Spouse I Don’t Enjoy Something They Do In Bed?

sexual communication

As a rule of thumb, I encourage that feedback about sexual performance (especially when it’s a feedback that speaks to the need to improve or change), be done outside the bedroom.

Not in bed, not before, during or after sex but at a neutral time. A bruised ego does nothing good for your sex life.

LEAD WITH POSITIVES…. Rather than coming out straight to say, ‘I don’t like how you touch me’, lead with a positive. Something they do that you enjoy.

DON’T POINT OUT THE NEGATIVES BLUNTLY …. You could either cloak the negative with the positive or mention it in comparison with the positive.

E.g Instead of saying “I don’t enjoy how you squeeze my breasts.”, Say “I really enjoy how you kiss my neck and touch my breasts softly. The soft touch gets me very very aroused.” (You have cloaked the negative without really pointing it out that he squeezes your breasts and he is more likely to do more of what you enjoy)


‘I love the way you touch my breasts so gently. Did you notice that I get more aroused with gentle touch on my breast than hard touch?” (You pointed out the positive first, then did a comparison with the negative without sounding harsh)

Same goes for a man. Rather than saying “I don’t enjoy how you suck my cock” say “I really love how you use your hands on my cock, just thinking about it gets me hard. I get more aroused from stroking than sucking” OR “I like when you take me in your mouth. I really enjoy when you suck me gently. It feels more enjoyable than hard sucking”

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So there! I hope this helps someone.

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The author olawunmiesan

Olawunmi Esan is Nigeria’s leading Sex Therapist and Coach. She is a trained Psychologist and certified Sex Therapist, who helps Couples and Individuals enjoy Mind-Blowing Sex.