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Saying “NO” To Sex The Right Way

Saying “NO” To Sex The Right Way

Some people won’t like me for this topic. But read through before you crucify me and thank me later.

Is there really a right way to say “No” to sex? Especially when the bottom line is still that no one gets to have sex? I assure you, there is.

In communication, we are told that our spoken words account for just about 7% of the message we pass across. While our non-verbal cues like our body language and the tone or pitch of our voices account for a whopping 93%. Regardless of if the actual percentages are accurate, the message therein is that, our non-verbal cues are the true conveyors of the message we pass and how people interpret what we communicate.

This brings me to the ‘How’. How do you say No to sex? Do you say “No” with a harsh tone of voice that shuts your partner down from trying ‘harder’? Or do you say “No” with respect and consideration of your partner’s feelings?

One of my favorite things to do is to flip sides in order to understand better, the perspective of an individual I’m relating with. If we were to flip a coin and your partner shut you down unceremoniously when you made a request that was important to you, how would you feel?

Your reasons for saying No to sex could be genuine, but how you pass the message across is just as important, or as studies have shown, far more important than the actual words you say.

A considerate response could be, “I would love to but ….. (insert genuine reason)”

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You are probably reading this and thinking. “Easy, peasy, I can insert any reason and make it seem genuine”. Well, it doesn’t end there.

Regardless of how genuine your reason for saying No is, it doesn’t change the fact that your partner has had to temporarily give up the desire for sex to please you. And let’s be honest, it happens but it becomes a problem when a partner is deprived of sex on a regular basis.

Saying No the right way doesn’t end at providing a genuine reason and speaking courteously. What happens afterward is just as important.

And this brings me to “making up for the No”. Don’t get me wrong, this is not about keeping score, this is about you realizing that although you couldn’t deliver when your partner needed that intimacy, you can deliver at a later time without being asked!

Let’s flip sides again. If there was ever a time when your spouse couldn’t give you something you desired, at the time you wanted it. How did you feel when they showed up with it days or weeks later and told you that they got it for you as soon as they could?

Felt good right?

Making up at a later time drives home the authenticity of the reason you gave for saying “No” previously. It helps your spouse become more accommodating when next you have to say “No”. It also tells your spouse that they are important and their needs matter to you.

If there was ever a right way to say No to sex. This certainly is the way to go.

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Photo by Kai Pilger on Unsplash
olawunmiesan

The author olawunmiesan

Olawunmi Esan is a Sex Therapist and Coach who helps Married Couples take Sexual Intimacy from Routine to Mond-Blowing.